As scientific parenting becomes deeply rooted in people’s hearts, many parents of the new generation have chosen a completely different parenting model from the previous generation, striving to be self-aware parents who grow together with their children.
The new generation of parents is like raising their childhood selves, asking for their children’s choices and thoughts,involving children in everyday family decisions, and experiencing respectful education from all angles.
“Mom and Dad are going to work, is that okay?”
“You’ve had too many lollipops, let’s not have any more, okay?”
“We need to check your teeth, open your mouth and let the doctor take a look, okay?”
In our daily lives, we ask for our children’s opinions on big and small matters, but many parents find that the more they respect their children, the more the children become demanding and willful; or the children become more afraid of making choices and lose their own opinions.
New generation parents are easy to fall into such a “respect trap”, apparently “respecting” children, but in the end, it leads to an imbalance in parent-child relationships, and this trap usually has the following manifestations:
「Choice Overload」Type Respect Trap
From the child’s perspective, they are not actually suited to make too many choices.
A child’s brain, especially the prefrontal cortex responsible for decision-making, is still developing, too many choices can easily cause the child’s brain to experience ‘choice overload’, which can negatively impact the child’s decision-making abilities.
Because making choices is not as simple as it seems.
Decision-making requires cognitive reserves to be completed, and at the same time, it consumes physical and mental energy, adults are like this, and children are even more so.
Research shows that when consumers are faced with 20-30 different products to choose from, their purchase rate is not as high as when they are only faced with 6 products, and they are more likely to regret and be dissatisfied with their choices after buying.
Not to mention little children, studies show that providing too many types of toys for children to choose from can actually make them less engaged, and they spend less time and play with toys in fewer ways.
It’s not just about the number of choices, but if we let our children make choices for all big and small matters, choice overload can lead to decision fatigue, and then under pressure, children are more likely to make worse, more impulsive, and uncontrollable decisions.
The little minds of children do have limited capacity, and their brains start to run randomly or even crash directly.
「Task Separation」Confusion Type Respect Trap
In psychology, there is a term called ‘task separation’, which is to distinguish what matters are one’s own tasks and what matters are others’.
Things that belong to us, we can decide for ourselves, and actually do not need children to participate.
For example, going to work is a matter for parents, not a subject for children to make decisions.
If the task separation is not done well, then children will also be confused, thinking that their feelings can decide everything, and they will become indulgent and willful.
「Authority Loss」Type Respect Trap
Parents, in order to avoid being labeled as “autocratic”, mistakenly pursue their children’s nature, and will indulge their children excessively and give up necessary guidance and rules.
Giving children a sense of autonomy does not mean indulging children.
Parents also need authority, and this authority is not for controlling children, but a kind of principled love, establishing a safe growth passage for children’s healthy growth.
It’s not about making children obedient, nor about letting children grow wild, but about cultivating an individual with judgment, self-management ability, and respect for others under the correct constraints and guidance of parents.
「Authoritarian」Type Respect Trap
I heard a memorable example in a TED talk.
There was a mother and daughter, and the mother asked the little girl what she wanted to eat for lunch. At first, the girl didn’t want to make a choice and said it was okay, anything was fine. But the mother insisted, “If you tell me, I will take you to eat, anything is possible.”
The little girl was very happy and confirmed several times, “Is anything really possible?”
After getting an affirmative reply, she thought seriously for a long time and said, “I want to eat salt and pepper chicken.”
But the mother said, “Honey, salt and pepper chicken is greasy and unhealthy, choose another one.”
As everyone thought, even after the little girl changed her choice, the mother still negated the girl’s ideas with various reasons.
This authoritarian respect trap is like a wolf in “for your own good” sheep’s clothing, called respect, but actually obedience, in essence, it is still controlling children and ignoring their true feelings.
In the long run, children are likely to lose their ability to make decisions independently and avoid making choices.
How to avoid respect traps?
Be an ‘Authoritative’ Parent
American psychologist Diana Baumrind proposed that the most ideal way to raise children is to be an ‘authoritative’ parent,（Authoritative Parenting）responding positively to children while also having high expectations for them:
While highly accepting children’s emotions, behaviors, and thoughts, set reasonable rules and clear expectations.
According to Piaget’s theory of moral development, after passing through the egocentric stage, children aged 5-8 are in the heteronomous moral stage, also known as the authority stage. Children at this stage obey external rules and accept the standards set by authority.
So to say, on the road of children’s growth, providing clear rules and boundaries is more in line with their current thinking development, which is conducive to cognitive development.
In an environment with clear rules, children are more likely to feel secure because they believe that the environment they are in is reliable and will not change easily.
True respect is to regard children as independent individuals while taking on the responsibility of guidance and education.
Provide children with limited choices and offer “decision support”
To avoid “choice overload”, we can offer children limited choices each time.
In the article “The Impact of the Number of Toys in the Environment on Toddlers’ Play,” the study examines the impact of the number of toys on 18-30 month old toddlers.
The results show that compared to providing 16 toys, when only 4 toys are provided, children play with each toy for a longer time and have more different ways to play with the toys.
A toy environment with fewer toys is more in line with the developmental characteristics of young children’s focus and creativity.
It’s not just about toys, but when we offer choices to our children, the choices must be simple and we must provide children with necessary “decision support”, too many options can actually interfere with children’s choices.
You can try offering 2-3 limited options to help children practice decision-making from the smallest decisions.
For example, when asking children to choose food, if you ask them what they want to eat, the child may think for a long time and still have no answer.
You can ask, “Would you like to eat braised pork ribs or braised beef for lunch today?”
In this way, the child’s mind can work better.
Provide opportunities for independent choices at the right time
1. Issues not suitable for making choices
Principled issues
Principled issues still require parents to take charge and make decisions, such as safety standards. When taking care of children, safety must come first. Content involving personal safety must be strictly followed by children; family rules that need to be followed also require parents to control, otherwise, they are ineffective rules; as children grow older, parents also need to instill the correct moral standards.
Parental issue
If it is a parental issue, there is no need to consult with the child, such as going to work, which belongs to the parent’s issue, and consulting with the child will not change the outcome of the matter.
Parents ask, “Is it okay for Dad to go to work?” If the child answers no, parents still have to persuade again, and will not listen to the child’s opinion.
For issues that belong to the parents themselves, just inform the child directly.
2. Issues suitable for making choices
Daily matters that can be jointly negotiated
For daily life arrangements that do not affect principles, it is very suitable for democratic negotiation. For example, planning the destination for a weekend family outing, we can listen to the child’s opinions and offer several alternative plans for the child to decide; older children, parents can propose the requirements of the plan, such as telling the child that it needs to be within a 1-hour drive and can engage in outdoor activities, and then discuss and make decisions based on this.
Trivial issues of children’s own issues
There are some small things that, if within a reasonable range, the child can make decisions, and we can completely listen to their opinions, such as which spoon to use for eating today, which toy to bring out, which piece of clothing to wear, we can offer a range of choices for the child to decide on their own.
If you find yourself falling into a parent-child “respect trap”, congratulations, it means you are definitely a good mom/dad who is always learning and wants to grow together with your child.
Getting out of the “respect trap”, the challenge for parents is to find such a balance, helping children to explore and develop decision-making abilities, building decision confidence, while also avoiding letting children be troubled and affected by unsuitable choices, which can have a negative impact on parent-child relationships and psychological development.
Getting out of the “respect trap” is also a subject that parents need to learn.
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